On routine

On seeing this post on Tumblr today, it made me start thinking about whether I have my life together. My instinct is to say no, although I feel a bit guilty about this. I have many hobbies and interests, and I love to create, but I often struggle to eat three meals a day and enjoy cigarettes and weed far too much to feel as if I could feasibly live any kind of healthy life right now. 

It makes me think about routine, and how important it is. Recently, the idea of "leaving a treat for future you" has come into my consciousness, and it's something that I'll start to practise when I'm at university again in four days: things like putting clothes away, leaving the plates you need for breakfast tomorrow on your table, making your bed, things that make it easier for future you. And I do care about myself and my body, despite what I may do to it. I may be fucking up my lungs, but I do appreciate a good meal, and always thank myself for when I can keep to a solid routine. 

Another important thing is being kind to yourself, too. Executive disfunction is very real, and though it often can become easy to confuse "self care" with slipping back into depressive habits, it is also important to know when the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let yourself rest, even if future you has to pick up the pieces a little bit. Be kind to future you, and they'll be kind back. Take care of yourself. 

And lastly, we have boredom. I believe it's so important to let yourself be bored, because you can always find something to do. Some days will be more difficult than others, but it gets easier. The more time you spend alone with yourself, the easier it will become to be in your own company, to be in conversation with yourself. This is still something I struggle with a lot, learning to be alone. Last term, on the other hand, I was alone too much, due to me smoking weed every day. What I viewed as protecting my peace was in fact isolating myself, so this term it's all about that balance. Not burning myself out, but not isolating myself either. 

It's difficult. All of it is. Making a routine, sticking to it, finding the energy to balance schoolwork and jobs and family dynamics and relationships and friends, and being neurodivergent, it's tough to bring it all together. But I'm staying afloat. It'll be okay.

I fell asleep during the day today, and I woke up discombobulated like I always do after an evening nap. I know uni will be difficult, as I have coursework and my dissertation due. I don't mind, though. This is what I'm here for after all. Ignore my disjointed thoughts, it's 1am and I can't sleep. 

One last thing, I have no clue why, when I follow people, it comes up as my legal (ish) name, so if you get followed by Sasha, that's me! Ignore that. Pffft.